Ebay Purchases New Auction Venue

SAN JOSE CA - President of Ebay North America, Lorrie Norrington, announced today that Ebay has purchased the discount internet auction site Sellers-slashing-their-wrists.com on Tuesday, for an undisclosed amount.

"Nothing is more appealing to a buyer than getting a great deal. And, the mental image the buyer has of a seller scavenging through their bathroom cabinets in search of razor blades is a bonus. It's a disruptive, innovative, marketing idea." Lorrie gleefully stated.

Although Sellers-slashing-their-wrists.com is only a six month old start up, the site has already recruited over 2000 masochistic sellers, and a very sadistic, but loyal, buyer base.

It is currently ranked as the 29,547 most visited site, an increase of over 20,000 spots in the last month. "We realize that many of their sellers are Ebay sellers also, because of the shared masochistic personality traits. So there will be a small percentage of duplication of listings. Those sellers will have to adjust their inventory. It's just another reason for them to go off the deep end." Lorrie chuckled.


Let me burn my initials in your shoulder!

Ex-CEO Bernard Schick of Sellers slashing, stated that only seven sellers have slit their wrists since their site has been up, with only one fatality. "Most sellers are ignorant. They're supposed to slash length wise, not across the wrists. We're trying to get that information out." Bernard stated.

Seller Hubert Lehrer, a Slash seller since inception, thinks Ebay's purchase is great for Slasher sellers. " Our life expectancy just increased by at least three months. I've been selling my wares at 20% below my wholesale price, something had to give." Hubert said.
"Plus, I was getting really tired of buyer feedback asking me when I was going to kill myself." Hubert added.

Lorrie stated that Ebay was glad to help. "We want kamikaze sellers that are willing to go the distance for Ebay. The sellers we have are namby pamby weak kneed Willies. This new breed of Slasher sellers on site will stiffen Ebay sellers upper lips, and have them sell at a loss if they have to. It is for the good of the community." Lorrie said.

Unofficial Interview With A Seller Advocate

Before I began the interview, I thought I had better bone up on exactly what a seller advocate is, and what sort of duties one would perform in a seller advocate capacity.

A quick search found that a seller's advocate is one who works on behalf of the seller to promote the interests of the seller with the utmost good faith, loyalty and fidelity. The advocate negotiates on behalf of and acts as an advocate for the seller.

I thought that being a seller advocate would be a great job. Better than what I was doing. Interviewing nobodies. Freelancing. Filling space, in an online tabloid with a readership equal to that of a Florida tourist town in the middle of July. The end result of my work is a little fluff, and killing time for the reader. Basically what we call in the trade, light journalism.


The man I am going to interview is a nobody. Faceless. Yet, I can envision tens thousands of small internet sellers being much better off with this man representing their best interests. Seller advocacy is an impact job. A seller advocate holds a position wherein he can enrich the quality of life of ordinary people, middle American entrepreneurs, reaching for the golden ring.

Interview with A Seller Advocate

Slim Griffeon is employed as a seller advocate by a popular internet venue that brings buyers and sellers together. Slim has labored for his current employer for twelve years, holding numerous different job titles. Slim's duties now include being a seller advocate, whose primary function is communicating between seller and venue. This venue realizes profits via a meager commission from their sellers, collecting revenue whether their seller's items sell, or not. The sellers are then obligated to use the venue's own financial clearinghouse, to finalize the transaction. The sole purpose being, to reduce fraud which heightens the buyer's safe shopping experience.


Photo of Slim, mimicking sellers dumbfounded facial expressions as they open their invoice

To more easily enable an open and honest story be told, the name of the seller advocate being interviewed is an alias, and the corporation will simply be called "IT"

Q: Hi Slim, how are you today?
A: I'm fine, Jim, and you?

Q: How did you get the nickname, "Slim?"
A: Because I'm fat, Jim. I had a very rough childhood.
Kids can be cruel.

Q: How do you like your new job as a seller advocate?
A: I'm blessed. I represent the concerns of tens of thousands of internet entrepreneurs. For some of them, I bring their concerns and ideas to IT, and if it's more profitable for IT, changes will occur.

Q: What do you mean by "some of them?"
A: Well, I represent about thirty percent of our sellers. The sellers that IT wants to retain. That's still a lot of sellers. The other seventy percent are a drain on IT's resources. Those sellers are very labor intensive, bring in minimal revenue, and not cost effective.

Q: What seller friendly changes have been made since you became a seller advocate?
A: None.

Q: I recently read a few statements of yours on one of IT's discussion boards. To quote you, "I've reviewed thousands of disputes between buyers and sellers for the last 12 years and in every single case, the "rude" behavior on the part of a buyer was always precipitated by unprofessional conduct on the part of the seller who assumed intent on the basis of an initial buyer email and responded accordingly. And I am not exaggerating. I mean, every single case." What exactly is the message you're attempting to convey to the sellers that you are supposedly representing?
A: Let me clarify, Jim. By every single case, I meant from the seventy percent of sellers that IT is going to rid itself of by the time all of the site changes are in effect. Of course I've read emails from nasty buyers threatening feedback extortion on innocent sellers, unreasonable demands, and many buyers that initiated rude behavior. Those buyer emails have, in every single case, been sent to the thirty percent of the innocent sellers that I represent, whose business IT wants to retain. And I'm not exaggerating, I mean every single case.

Q: What about the rights of the other seventy percent of sellers that you're neglecting?
A: They're not in IT's future plans. They're not worthy of a second thought. Short term, the IT idea, the IT goal, is to achieve 50 million listings with only 3 out of every 10 sellers remaining on site. IT is being overly gracious allowing that many to remain profitable.

Ideally, IT can envision a future of only 200 mega retailers on site with a combined total of 100 million listings. Add to that, Yahoo sponsored ad revenue, IT is beyond caring about the breadth and wealth in the diversity of listings on IT's site. IT has also simplified 1500 positions company wide. With the above scenario in place, IT can simplify another 10,000 jobs and still maintain IT's high standards pertaining to IT's Customer Service and Trust and Safety.

Q: If IT's 200 seller / 100 million listings plan comes to fruition, you might be out of a job in a couple of years Slim.
A: Jim, don't worry about me. My job is secure, I know too much.

Fabricated, rings of truth.

BTW, another example of things that go POOF in the night.

Make Someone Smile At Christmas Time - Ebay Style!

San Jose CA - "Challenging times create opportunities for companies that are prepared to lead and eBay has the most gifted CEO, the management discipline, and the most intelligent CEO to take advantage of opportunities created by this period of challenge and uncertainty. I am confident that I will manage through this period and emerge an even stronger CEO, if that's even possible, than I am currently." Ebay CEO John Donahoe stated. "My newest promotion is disruptive. It is innovative. With the proper marketing, I approximate this promotion will earn additional Q4 2008 revenues for Ebay in the amount of $298.50. Who needs a letter sent from a fat man in a red suit when your loved ones can receive one from me, John Donahoe, penned on special Ebay stationary?" John added.


HO HO HO!

"This promotion's advertising is hitting the streets as I speak. The information is stated below. Buy one today!" John said.

Make Someone Smile At Christmas With A Letter From John Donahoe!

Ebayers all over the world will be surprised this year with our custom-made John Donahoe letters. What could be more remarkable for an Ebayer than to receive a letter from Ebay CEO John Donahoe himself! The personalized letters from John are written with your recipient's name, hometown, and whichever details you would want to include for the ideal letter from John that is sure to make them smile and love the Christmas experience.

STEP ONE - Customize Your John Donahoe Letter

Buy just three letters at $9.95 a piece and receive one letter Free!
Letters from John are unique gifts for former employees, ex Ebay sellers, pyromaniacs, illiterates, and shareholders!
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John Donahoe letter written on special Ebay stationary
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John Donahoe wallet size photograph
Free shipping!

STEP TWO - Preview Letter And Confirm

1. Fill in the former employees, ex Ebay sellers, pyromaniacs, illiterates, and shareholders information for your custom made John Donahoe letter.
2. Preview and confirm your order. It's simple! Your letter from John Donahoe will be written and sent before Christmas.

STEP THREE - You've Got Mail!

No matter who you send it to, the former employees, ex Ebay sellers, pyromaniacs, illiterates, or shareholders, they are sure to appreciate a special custom made letter from John. Who wouldn't? Want to make this year’s Christmas extra special for Ebay's "new poor"? Send your John Donahoe letters to where ex Ebayers and former employees congregate, your nearest soup kitchen or plasma donor center. Imagine the look of surprise when they open their Christmas card from John Donahoe!

Ebay Funded Study Reflects Badly On Ebay Sellers

San Jose CA—In a surprising refutation of the conventional wisdom on opinion entitlement, a study conducted by the University of San Jose for Behavioral Science, and 100 percent funded by John Donahoe, Ebay CEO, concluded that more than 99% of Ebay sellers are neither entitled nor qualified to have opinions.


my opinion counts, nanny nanny boo boo!

"It came as a shock to me, I would have believed the number to be in the 96 percentile area of sellers that are bone head stupid." John said.

"On topics from Sponsored Ads to Detailed Star Ratings to Best Match to Feedback, we found that many of the opinions expressed by Ebay sellers were so off-base and ill-informed that they actually hurt Ebay by being voiced," said chief researcher Professor Peter Putz, who based their findings, solely and strictly, on the staggering sum of funds received from John Donahoe to conduct the study.

"While people have long asserted that it takes all kinds, this research shows that the Ebay community currently has a drastic oversupply of the kinds of sellers who don't have any intelligent or worthwhile thoughts whatsoever. We could actually do just fine without them, and we're going to do just that." John said.

"This study proves what I've stated all along, 98% of Ebay sellers are dumb and feel they are due some type of entitlement from Ebay. They're not. Their only purpose on my site is to feed the gorilla, and I am the Alpha A gorilla." stated puffy chested John.
_________________

Disclosure: Fabricated rings of truth.

Ebay Stock Slides Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Ebay Stock Slides - Weeeeeeeeeeeee!
San Jose CA—The Ebay Corporation announced that it has cut nearly 1500 jobs, responding to a plunge in Ebay share price, blamed on a depressed economy and rising interest by shoppers in actually be able to find want they wish to purchase.

"Though still America's number-one internet auction retailer," Ebay CEO John Donahoe said, "we have just entered a 15 year period of restructuring and policy changes due to the steady growth of other internet retailers, through absolutely no fault of our own, and, more significantly, growing competition from those specific sites where shoppers are quickly shown all the items that are for sale in the category they are searching. That's just crazy. There's huge bucks in greatly reduced visibility."


"Sell Elsewhere and advertise on Ebay!"

In the third quarter of 2008, Ebay posted the first quarterly GMV loss in its 11 year history. Its stock closed Friday at $15.27, seventy percent lower than their 52 week high. In the upcoming fourth quarter, Ebay officials have predicted No Christmas this year.

Analysts attribute the bleak financial picture to numerous factors, including the uncertain economy, poor management, eroding market share, and widespread health concerns due to high blood pressure amongst a majority of Ebay sellers. Peter Naismith, media seller on Ebay for 8 years, has stopped selling books and now sells home sphygmomanometer kits on Ebay. "The amount of hypertension among Ebay sellers is at an all time high," Peter said, "I'm thinking of expanding my stress related medical equipment niche and start listing caskets."

"Though well-accustomed to weathering recessions and changing tastes, Ebay sellers may be facing their toughest battle ever, given the surging shopper interest in finding what they're searching for, which is something that Best Match default search severely lacks," analyst Carol NoMas of Goldman Brothers said. "These days, shoppers seem more interested in going to a site, finding what they want in two minutes or less, purchasing it, and blogging about it, go figure huh? Can't do that on Ebay with Best Match," Carol added.

The world's leading internet auction venue, Ebay became publically owned, and quickly became America's sweetheart thanks to first to market status, innovative marketing, low prices, and later, purchased PayPal for easy payment. Ebay has proven a popular favorite among all types of flea market, estate sale, and garage sale buyers.

But for all its GMV woes, Ebay is optimistic for the future.

"This whole two minute you're out of here shopping craze will pass," Donahoe said. "We have protected ourselves if this doesn't fade. Ebay will continue to enhance our shoppers experience with our placement of Yahoo sponsored ads on every search landing page on site. Two minute shoppers will come to Ebay and go directing to our sponsored ads, and those shoppers also have a slim chance of finding one of our very own sellers items on their first page of search. It's a win win win." Donahoe stated.

Said Ebay's BOD member Meg Whitman, "We don't see the burgeoning internet retail industry as a threat, but rather as a frenemy where we can happily co-exist more profitably."

In spite of Whitman's outward optimism, rumors abound that the company is pondering some of its most extreme changes ever. Ebay's management team is reportedly developing an unprecedented "How to divert 90% of Ebay traffic via Yahoo sponsored ads for maximum profitability through a horrific Best Match Search" program. The facility is also rumored to be adding a research wing to teach former CEOs with political aspirations on how to back winning Presidential candidates.

"The bottom line is, we're doing fine," Donahoe said. "Certainly, as a last resort, we could introduce a search algorithm that puts the spotlight on Ebay sellers items, perhaps a little advertising for their items, but I honestly don't believe we will get get quite that desperate here at Ebay."

Disclosure - Fabricated, rings of truth

Ebay Initiates a "Buy Your Own" Policy

SAN JOSE CA - Ebay Corporation (ticker:Ebay) announced new policies directed at increasing their sellers sell through rate, (STR), which has been slipping dramatically since Best Match default search was initiated last quarter. The new policies will also increase Ebay's diminishing Gross Merchandise Value, better known as GMV.

"These new policies will increase our sellers successful listings percentage, which will in turn increase Ebay's profits from our flagship revenue stream. It's a great way to maintain our already lowest fees on the internet title," John Donahoe, Ebay CEO stated.


"Improvement of Ebay other than by mere repairs"

Effective January 1st, 2009, Ebay will mandate all sellers, with the exception of Diamond level retailers, to purchase a minimum of 6% of their own listings every 30 days. Donahoe stated that sellers may purchase more than 6% of their own listings per month, although the excess percentage will not be applied towards the next months total.

Ebay seller Wilma Ledbetter, User ID "Breezykidswithnofolks" was thrilled to hear the news. "I've had my eye on my own 100% polyester pink chiffon sheer and drapeable fabric that I have listed in my Ebay store. I can't wait for the thrill of winning my own items!"

Donahue stated that Ebay will be flexible with the 6% Buy Your Own, (BYO), policy. "We'll give the seller/buyer the option of buying their own items from core, core BIN, 30 day FP, or out of their own store.
For Ebay sellers who do not have any of their own listings that they wish to purchase, we highly recommend that those sellers purchase an item from a Diamond retailer, then list and repurchase said item from their own store." Donahoe also added that all BYO purchases must be paid through Paypal. "We want to protect the seller/buyer from themselves, so paper payment is a not an option."

When asked why Diamond level sellers, Ebay's largest volume sellers, were exempt from the new BYO policy, Donahoe stated, "Ebay Diamond level retailers are real businesses, all of our other sellers are expendable, they shouldn't expect, nor will they receive, preferential treatment that we afford to Ebay Diamond level retailers."

Other changes hinted at, with few details given, are Ebay's proposed new Seller Help line, 1-900-Ebay-hel, which will be staffed with, "The most knowledgeable customer support staff in the world, all for the low price of $3.99 a minute." Donahoe said. "and also payable through Paypal only," Donahoe added.

"We're also working on a program where it will be mandatory for Ebay sellers to purchase one item per month from a Diamond retailer." Donahoe said.
"We feel that Diamond retailers enhance other sellers listings, bringing in a much needed traffic infusion that Ebay can then divert via revenue driven Yahoo sponsored ads. It's just a way for Ebay sellers to show their appreciation, albeit mandatory, to our Diamond retailers for their major contributions to our community. It's our great community giving back to a select few from our great community." Donahoe added.

Disclosure - Fabricated

Ebay Adding To The San Jose Homeless Problem

(Seriously fabricated Capitalism without a Conscience)
SAN JOSE CA - Erik Watson and Jim Blackall had lived in the same neighborhood in San Jose for fifteen years and had never met. Erik had worked for Ebay as a programmer, while Jim had made his living selling on Ebay. They met for the first time last month. Both were standing in line at Martha's Kitchen, a non-profit, interfaith, community dining room for the hungry poor. Erik and Jim were waiting for a warm meal."We had some time, so we struck up a conversation and found out how much we had in common." Erik stated."We've become friends," Jim said, "We watch out for each other, it's tough living on the streets."



"I was one of the Ebay 1500, and the only programmer let go." Erik said. "I think is was just because I asked my boss what moron thought up this crazy stupid Best Match search." A week later, Erik's job was "simplified."





Jim requested that we do not show his face. "It kept getting tougher to earn a living on Ebay. Then, Best Match search and all those ads drove the final nail in the coffin. I couldn't pay my last Ebay bill, and out the door I went, after eight years there." Jim said.Pete "ad man" Stinson also had worked at Ebay for three years in the marketing department. In the words of Ebay CEO John Donahoe, Pete was another victim of Ebay's "simplification process." John added, "It sounds so much better saying their jobs were simplified. Much better than fired or laid off. Especially considering we spent $400 million on the very same day, purchasing a classified site in a country with a population of only 5 million people."


I heard the layoff rumor, but I thought my job in marketing was safe." Pete said. "I mean, come on, we were driving billions of clicks off Ebay with the sponsored ads I was working on. I'd come in at eight sharp every morning, and the first thing I'd do was look at the overnight count of how many clicks we drove offsite. I'd say, Come on, hit me with all those quarters! That's how I thought up the phrase for my sign." Pete added.By one very rough estimate, the number of homeless people in San Jose has doubled since Donahoe was named CEO of Ebay. Homelessness has also become a much more visible problem — in early November, United Front, a network of agencies that help the homeless, cleared an encampment of 300 people that had sprung up near Ebay headquarters, in full view of John's office. About 280 of those people are now in apartments, but others have flocked to fill several corner parking spaces in the Ebay parking ramp, near enough to regularly encounter Ebay employees."I feel sorry for them, I truly do. But what good would giving my $25 million annual Ebay income to them do? It would only last them so long, and they'd end up in the same position." Donahoe stated that he met with Chuck Reedy, mayor of San Jose. "I offered Chuck a remedy to end the plight of the San Jose homeless." John added, "Chuck nixed my idea of giving every homeless person in San Jose a one way non-refundable bus ticket out of town. I thought it was a great, disruptingly, innovative idea"Disclosure - Seriously fabricated Capitalism without a Conscience.